A Bug's Life (EWW Video)

The full transcript of 'Everything Wrong With A Bug's Life In 13 Minutes Or Less'.

List of Sins

1. Disney uses the same logo intro they used for Toy Story, giving me a nostalgia boner for a much better movie.
2. Movie takes place on an island on what appears to be a dried up riverbed, which makes me wonder where the river is. Is there a drought? If so, why is the surrounding foliage still so green? And why didn’t Pixar just makes this an island on an actual f*cking river!?
3. The late ‘90s was a weird era when there were basically two different movies for every story. Dante’s Peak and Volcano. The Truman Show and Ed TV. Without Limits and Prefontaine… I mean, two f*cking movies about Steve Prefontaine! Well, here’s A Bug’s Life. Not Antz.
4. Based on what I saw a few seconds ago, there’s plenty of grain. The climber ant could have avoided the berries altogether, and they are logistically much harder to carry. All in all, this seems like a dick move.
5. Ants, of course, are an absolute nightmare. There’s a reason this story takes place outdoors--if it was set in a house, the viewer would definitely want all of them dead. Take THAT, baby Hayden Panettiere!
6. Instead of just piling up the offering on the ground in front of the anthill, the ants decide to precariously stack the grains onto a leaf held up be one large rock that’s held up by 9 small rocks right next to a cliff.
7. [A random ant freaks out over being lost] A real ant would not get lost in this situation. Ants use pheromones to make their paths, so this guy should just be able to walk around this leaf to get back on track with no hesitation.
8. Are those… freckles? Liver spots? A weird infection?
9. [Another ant compares the situation to “The Twig of ‘93”] Island ants somehow measure time by human scales and know a special time known as 1993.
10. Also, are all the minor obstructions revered as natural disasters even though they only take a few seconds to overcome?
11. What is it that makes this ant so much smarter than all the other ants carrying grain and berries and s*it? The ant colony seems to have some sort of educational inequality problem that can in no way be tied to socioeconomics or racial inequality because they’re f*cking ants.
12. [Two of the ants talk about Princess Atta] Aggressive expositional emphasis.
13. [Princess Atta's hovering annoys Thorny] The princess could have easily stood behind him without hovering at all.
14. [The Queen holds up one of the aphids] Ants and aphids actually do have a mutual relationship, and even though that is a delightfully accurate part of this movie, the ants should treat the aphids more like colleagues and less like pets.
15. [The Queen reminds Dot not to fly until her wings fully grow in] I'm impressed her wings were able to lift her off the ground at all.
16. These ants are so iridescent! They look like drugstore eye shadow
17. Flik's machine is powered by movie magic.
18. [Flik proposes his idea for harvesting grain] Flik's invention bypassed thousands of years of harvesting innovation and jumped right to the Industrial Revolution. He's basically a witch.
19. [Flik pulls out his telescope] A spherical drop of dew couldn't telescope sh*t. If you don't believe me, just look through a clear marble.
20. [Flik expressed doubt about his inventions] No, your inventions all work, it's just that no one gives a s*it.
21. [Flik begins to look for a seed] Flik doesn't say, "Hey Dot, can you grab a seed out of my machine's blade of grass?"
22. [The Queen orders instructions to the panicking ants] These ants didn't just do this to begin with; instead they resorted to chaos and ran around like a bunch of dumb humans.
23. These ants have discovered the illuminating power of fluorescent mushrooms that definitely exist.
24. Bulls*it contraption somehow has the strength to knock out a rock weighted down by two heavier rocks.
25. Since this was so easy to knock down, it's amazing that this poorly constructed pedestal stayed up as long as it did.
26. There must be a wormhole in this puddle, because the grain seems to vanish as soon as it enters the puddle. I can see the bottom of the puddle, but I can't see any of the grain.
27. Also, whose genius idea was it to put the offering stone next to a cliff?
28. [The grasshoppers enter the ants meeting room by breaking through the roof] It's convenient for the grasshoppers that the ant's large gathering room isn't any deeper into the earth.
29. [Hopper says, "One of those circle of life, kind of things."] A little Disney cross-promotion for you.
30. [Molt recalls a larger insect that almost ate Hopper alive] "Bumbling idiot bad guy lackey saying things at inappropriate times that are expositional ultimately helpful to the audience" cliche.
31. [Hopper says, "There's still a few months 'till the rains come."] Yeah, there's still a few months until the rains come... the ants will still be able to collect more food for the grasshoppers... who will be dead by then because of their two-month life cycle as an adult.
32. Also... are they saying this happens EVERY YEAR? They are the oldest living grasshoppers ever!
33. [Hopper makes a dead leaf fall as a dramatization of his words] We'll be just sitting around... for months... waiting for that last leaf to fall, which will be hard to verify, but f*ck it... sounds great!
34. I'm starting to think this movie is some kind of bizarre retelling of Aseop's "The Ant and the Grasshopper" fable, but the only thing the stories have in common is they both involve ants and grasshoppers.
35. [One of the younger ants calls Dot a "royal shortness"] The proles are a little too comfortable sassing off to the monarchy. A violent revolution overthrowing the royal family is definitely on the way.
36. [Flik becomes frightened over the distance he has to travel] Yeah, but... you're an ant, right? You have those wicked claws where you can climb up and down everything without a problem... and the f*ck do you need a giant backpack, anyway? The contents of your pack are literally all around you.
37. This scene is brought to you by Cartoon Physics. Cartoon Physics, bending the lines of reality to conveniently serve the movie's plot.
38. [As soon as Flik waves goodbye, he crashes into a rock] Apparently, Flik has much greater mass than I am accustomed to ants having.
39. [One of the younger ants says to one of the other ants, "Your dad's right. He's gonna die."] Yeah, but wasn't it YOUR dad that said he was going to die? [Callback to earlier scene proving said sin]
40. [The flies leave the circus in disgust] Don't flies like stinky things? If the show really did stink, they should have enjoyed it.
41. [Slim complains about always being cast as either a broom, pole or stick] That's racist.
42. [Slim proceeds to call P.T. Flea "a parasite"] That's racis... oh, it's a flea? F*ck fleas.
43. [One of the beetles tries to call out Francis in a suggestive way] This is one of those moments that I didn't realize I should be disgusted by until I became an adult.
44. [Francis goes on a gender rant regarding the ladybug species] It's also amazing that the insect kingdom even uses the word "ladybug", but hey... funny joke, yo.
45. If Francis is so bothered with other bugs thinking he looks like a girl, he could at least try and look a little less like Betty Boop.
46. [Tuck and Roll perform one of their signature moves] This movie was way ahead of the curve on Minions.
47. [P.T. Flea sets up the next circus stunt, with the performers being blindfolded] It seems like this is the only thing they actually had planned.
48. [The burning paper lands on P.T.] P.T. survives this.
49. I wonder what came first--the circus, or the red and white umbrella and the animal cookie box?
50. I guess it's still technically an easter egg even if they just tilt up and show it to you.
51. [A random bug comes near a light and gets shocked] Movie pretends like bugs don't really die when they're set on fire or get electrocuted. So why are we worried about Hopper again?
52. Is anyone going to help the fireflies in PJ's bottle? They're clearly stuck.
53. This poor bastard has to do this s*it for hours, maybe even days... maybe his whole life.
54. [One of the waiters calls out for the poo-poo platter meal] Poo-poo platter.
55. [A slug yells at one of the waiters, "Hey, I said no salt!"] This slug missed the giant pieces of salt on top of his food. Now he's going to die.
56. [Slim calls being fired by a flea, "humiliating"] To be fair, you were employed by a flea, so it's hard for me to believe you didn't see this as a possibility.
57. [The bar comes loose and rolls away] This cannot be the first time this bar has come loose and rolled away. I'm sure this establishment has seen plenty of fights that could cause the same result, given that it seems pretty seedy.
58. Just to make sure I understand, are they standing on a pile of dead bodies right now?
59. [Gypsy believes Flik is a talent scout] Hilarious misunderstanding cliche.
60. They're putting the food right next to the f*cking cliff again? Did they not learn anything from last time!?
61. Also, this tells me that the ants are still propping up their offering rock-pile with that tiny rock that was the cause of the problem earlier.
62. [The Queen mentions Cornelius' prior lead role to Gypsy] Even though I love this pun... if I know anything, kids sure do love obscure Broadway references!
63. Insect Guernica.

MINUS ONE SIN TO 62. Also, I realize this is all ridiculous, but even a second-string Pixar movie is pretty good. Minus one sin for the genuinely amusing murder mural.

63. [Rosie pretends to be impressed by the mural's depictions of murder] Do the bugs have red human blood in their universe? Pixar had some trouble finding the anthropomorphism line with this movie.

64. [The kid ants act out a play regarding the ant-grasshopper conflict] Holy s*it, I just realized... this movie is The Three Amigos.

65. [All of the kid ants are acting as "dead" at the end of the play] Jesus, what are these ants teaching their kid ants? After this and the mural from before, I feel like these ants have been watching nothing but Quentin TarANTino.

66. [Flik gives Princess Atta a megaphone made of grass] That rolled up blade of grass just had a feedback issue.

67. Also, with this kind of technology they could have built a bomb out of twigs and the urine from a horsefly.

68. [Flik almost reveals that the troupe is from a circus but covers it up with some puns] "Guy caught in a lie that almost reveals his lie with puns" cliche.

69. [Dot begs, "Come on, wings!"] ...is what America said after hearing the "Silly Love Songs."

70. [One of the bugs complains about their circulation being cut off] "Circulation" might be a strong word.

71. [A bird suddenly shows up, causing the troupe to run away] Hungry Bird Ex Machina.

72. [Princess Atta says that no one believes she can live to to expectations as queen] I thought all ant queens had to do was reproduce. Which, to me, sounds like a pretty sweet gig.

73. [Princess Atta considers Flik to become the new official aide to the warrior bug] That seems like a given, since he found them.

74. [Gypsy and Manny hover a leaf with a cut-out of a bird] Discount Batman.

75. The ants are able to find twigs that are the perfect bird torso shape.

76. These twigs must have fallen off of a rubber tree, otherwise they would have snapped by now.

77. [One of the twins yells, "Ruben Kincaid!"] Did he just say... Ruben Kincaid? The manager on The Partridge Family? Between this and that super-tropical Picnic shout-out, I can't imagine why this film isn't more beloved by '90s kids.

78. They still have to gather food for the winter, right? This caterpillar is destroying their rations!

79. Also, congratulations to Augustus Gloop for changing the pop culture stereotype of Germans from murderers into gluttons. It's less horrifying by several degrees of deadly sins.

80. [Hemlich shouts out a now iconic line, "Look! I'm a beautiful butterfly!"] I was about to let them get away with the ant literally wind surfing on a leaf, but that compounded with Heimlich using leaves to float down when we all know he would drop like a hot rock is just too much to overlook.

81. [Two grasshoppers drunkenly sing "La Cucaracha"] These grasshoppers are drunk on... grain.

82. [A random grasshopper uses a mosquito as a dart] You know, I'm sure this is supposed to be evil on some level--but f*ck mosquitoes.

83. [Hopper notes that the ants outnumber the grasshoppers "100 to 1"] Does Hopper not know there are hundreds of thousands of other ant colonies he can terrorize? Who cares if they rise up? The grasshoppers can literally just go anywhere else.

84. Why doesn't the black widow in the circus gang eat any of the ants? She's already trapping them in webs, eating them is the next logical step for spiders.

85. [Cornelius proclaims that he feels "70 again"] Jeez, how long do these ants live? If he's 70 then the queen has to be like 400 years old, right?

86. [Flik and Princess Atta's antennas get stuck between each other] This is like second base for ants.

87. [Thorny mutters Jiminy Cricket's name in anger] Taking Jiminy Cricket's name in vain.

88. [The circus troupe begins to hide] Um... don't you have to fly to get here? At the very least, they had to haul this two-car Animal Cracker wagon down a steep hill and up another one right? How the f*ck did he drive this thing through that huge ravine?

89. Meanwhile, in the f*cking ravine PT couldn't have possibly navigated safely down into and get back out of... paradoxes duke it out with Catch-22s in a no-holds-barred battle holding bars.

90. [The grasshoppers fly in a V-shape formation to the ant colony] How far does Hopper and his gang have to go before they're back at this particular ant colony? This really seems like more trouble than it's worth.

91. The first time Hopper and his gang showed up, they all hid in the ant hill, but this time they just stand around. I guess they don't want to have to fix the roof again.

92. [Dot overhears a conversation which reveals Hopper plans to murder the Queen] Grasshopper one reminds grasshopper two of this conveniently within earshot of Dot.

93. This creature has been on a leash all the other times we've seen him in this movie, excluding this moment. I guess that's because we needed one additional moment of tension with Dot.

94. Well, whaddayaknow? Dot can fly at the last second just before she fell to her death! Who knew that was coming?

95. [Dot tells the circus troupe everything she heard] Shouldn't you lead with the mom-squishing?

96. [As Rosie tells everyone to think of a plan, Gypsy thinks of using the bird] Yeah! Our original plan!

97. How can she lift anything? She's basically Marcel the Shell.

98. [Dot tells the troupe, "Pretend it's a seed, okay?"] That worked?

99. [Slim comments, "It must be an ant thing."] No, it's just a dumb thing.

100. I know Flik doesn't have much of a choice at this point, but he seems confident that this team of second graders will be able to fly this bird.

101. We're going to isolate the music here... [Short excerpt of music plays] Does anyone else hear them playing the music from the opening sequence from Aladdin during this bit? [Compares both scenes at the moment the music is cued] This is like the third reference to another Disney movie we've seen. How much synergy do they need?

102. [Gypsy dodges Hopper's question by saying, "A magician doesn't reveal their secrets."] The circus bugs seem to expect Hopper to just accept that the Queen is gone.

103. The fake bird flies in front of the moon, revealing that it's fake, yet none of the grasshoppers look up in enough time to see that this bird is made of leaves, twigs, and is being suspended by a thread.

104. Yeah, no.

105. [Hopper angrily asks the ants whose idea it was to fly a fake bird] Who cares? You're killing everybody anyway, right?

106. Flik is all bruised up, because you know... ants bruise, right?

107. [Hopper says, "I hate it when someone gives away the ending."] He gets eaten by birds. The ants use Flik's inventions and live happily ever after.

108. [Flik stands up against Hopper] He's right, but no one even questioned that until this movie was made.

109. [Flik defiantly yells, "It's you who need us!"] Actually, no... they can apparently live it up in Mexico according to this movie... the only reason they're here right now is that Hopper wants to teach them a lesson--so this proclamation has lost some of its power in light of the new evidence.

110. [Hopper attempts to stop the grasshoppers from fleeing] Yeah, but 30 minutes ago you were warning against this very thing.

111. [The ants shove Hopper into the cannon] Hopper forgot how to fly, apparently.

112. [Suddenly, a rain storm occurs] You, as ants, should have been able to detect that long before visual proof was necessary.

113. [Hopper monologues about returning next season as he chokes Flik] Because I was apparently created in a lab and possess a tortoise gene of some sort that keeps me alive for years and years.

114. Oh hello, Bird Ex Machina... coming in twice now, I see? Say hi to the eagles for me, will ya?

115. Isn't it customary for the mother bird to chew up the food before giving it to her baby birds? This technique here promises to shove this big grasshopper down the middle chick's beak, leaving the other two hungry, and this one in need of surgery.

116. Imagine some Russians playing with Hitler's index finger like a toy shortly after the end of World War II. That's basically what's going on here.

117. They didn't do this s*it before. And this may explain how they navigated that ravine, but it doesn't explain why they were driving on the ground in the middle of it if Dim could do this all along. And besides... he can't. F*ck that noise.

118. [Some of the food gets thrown in the air in celebration] Well, this seems like yet another colossal waste of food.

Movie Sin Tally: 118

Sentence: A Bug's Life