The EWW episode to the 2012 movie Brave.

In Theaters: June 22, 2012

Transcript Edit

  1. (The Walt Disney Pictures and Pixar logos are shown) Forty-four seconds for two logos, which----with these two studios----is par for the course. still sinful as hell. Castle, lamp-lettering. Boom, you're done in ten seconds if you have no ego.
  2. (When Merida asks to use the bow) Discount Arya Stark.
  3. (When Elinor talks to Fergus about Merida) Movie has conflicting emotions about gender equality in a span of 2 seconds.
  4. Damn. . . how bad was her aim?
  5. Movie expects me to believe that this arrow shot went that deep into the woods.
  6. Movie barely cracks the 3 minute mark before introducing magic. F*cking magic. . . the LORD of all movie ex machinas. Follow me now, child, and your mother will become a bear later!!
  7. Will-o-the-wisp Reese's Pieces.
  8. (While Elinor talks about the Wisps) Others say they just waste your time making you prance wildly around forest. But EVERYONE agrees that they exist, which is some bulls*it.
  9. (When a bear appears) This giant-ass bear somehow snuck up on EVERYONE.
  10. (While Fergus faces the bear) Movie thinks we're fooled that Fergus died by cutting away at the last second.
  11. (Narration starts) Narration.
  12. (During the narration about Fergus's leg) And therefore we didn't bother to animate it or show it to you. . .it was too legendary.
  13. (When Meirda says "I can never can get away with anything") That's because you're eating an apple and you look like an asshole. In what way did she think this was private?
  14. Also, she takes one bite then throws it on the ground. At least leave it intact so it doesn't get all rotten. . . Why did she bring this apple in the first place?
  15. If you remove all the murder and rape, Merida is also kind of a Discount Sansa Stark.
  16. Holy crap. . .now she's STEALING apples and she's a princess, so nobody can say anything----so that's DOUBLE asshole duty in 2 minutes!