Moulin Rouge (EWW Video)

The EWW episode of the 2001 movie Moulin Rouge.

Transcript

1. (a maestro stands in front of a huge stage curtain) Are we about to watch a play? Because I don't like plays.
2. (the curtain parts to reveal the 20th Century Fox logo while the maestro conducts the fanfare) This guy, like most of the cast in this movie, thinks enthusiasm is all that matters.
3. (a man is typing at a typewriter) Reading.
4. Also, if I'm going to read what you're singing, don't I deserve a little bouncy ball on the words?
5. (the typist, Christian, says, "The woman... I loved... is dead...") Well, damn, spoiler alert... why should I even watch this movie now?
6. (flashbacking to the younger typist, he is standing at the entrance to Montmartre, saying in voiceover narration, "It was not as my father had said, 'A village of sin!'") Haha... That's our great-grandfather all right.
7. (Christian writes that an unconscious Argentinian fell through his roof, as it does) "Unconscious Argentinian" cliche.
8. (Christian then adds that the Argentinian was joined by a dwarf dressed as a nun) Movie that will go on to cast plenty of real dwarves as extras casts non-dwarf as the only dwarf character with lines and screen time.
9. Oh...I get it. Satine and Christian. She's bad, he's good. Opposites attract. It's as if her name is Yin and his name is Yang, but less subtle.
10. Also, most beautiful courtesan in the world is one letter away from being named after a cracker.
11. (a green fairy is shown) Man, Tinkerbell is a discount this chick!
12. Definitely missed the "eat shrooms now" instructions whenever they flashed on screen.
13. (rock music plays as the camera pans into the Moulin Rouge) I guess I'm all for this movie playing anachronistic songs, but this is an electric guitar playing the opening notes of Smells Like Teen Spirit. I mean, Christian should be writing this story on a Mac if the time period doesn't matter.
14. (in the rain outside, Zidler shows that the Moulin Rouge has no roof while singing, "Outside it may be raining, but in here it's entertaining!") And also still raining...the Moulin Rouge doesn't have a roof?
15. (the Duke is revealed and pointed out) No need to tell you this is the bad guy. His mustache says it all.
16. (the swinging act is shown) Without a safety net, this swinging act is some dangerous sh*t. Haven't these people ever witnessed a horrible circus accident?
17. (one guy is pointed out raising his arm) Discount Tom Cruise.
18. In this f*cking huge-ass city-sized burlesque house, both people who want to meet Satine are seated at adjoining tables.
19. Satine says "come and get me boys" and somehow isn't mobbed by patrons tearing her clothes off.
20. Mistaken identity, eh? We interrupt this lavish musical to bring you an episode of Frasier.
21. (Hidler tells Satine, "We're all relying on you, gosling.") Wait. You need her to f*ck this one Duke dude in order to get funding or else you're screwed? Do you not see these motherf*ckers all waving cash around?! This place should be f*cking rolling in money.
22. (Hidler tells Satine of being a real actress in a real theater) Well, whore-slash-actress, but yes.
23. Obvious film rewind is obvious.
24. (Satine is excited to be a real actress while being dressed by Marie, her dresser) Urge...to...make snarky remark...so strong right now...
25. She's getting helped into a tight dress here, then verifies her hotness in it with the Zidler guy, then promptly takes it off and puts on something black.
26. (Satine tells Christian, "Yes! YES! YES!!") We interrupt this lavish musical to bring you When Harry Met Sally.
27. (Christian sings, very loudly, "My gift is my song...", after which lights turn on all over Paris) Damn. He is singing LOUD.
28. The first rule of prostituting is... you do NOT fall in love with a John.
29. The "Christian hides from the Duke" scene lasts about three minutes, which doesn't sound long until you endure Satine's overacting all the way through it.
30. (through a telescope, Zidler watches with delight as Christian and Satine having sex in their room) Zidler sets up a telescope to spy on Satine during her sex sessions, but it's at the worst possible angle to see much or masturbate to.
31. (At the start of the Elephant scene, Zidler exclaims, "India!") That's racist.
32. I know this is sort of an "anything goes" type of musical, but damn... Satine's Elephant room comes complete with convenient curtains and backdrops, just in case you need to sell a play?
33. The entire Elephant sequence lasts nearly 20 minutes, which doesn't sound so long until...no, wait, that's actually pretty damn long.
34. The Duke's manservant has been sitting here this whole time, but never once heard the commotion inside. Either that, or when the Duke has sex, it sounds like a bunch of people putting on a play, and he didn't think anything of it.
35. Also, after Toulouse climbs on top of him and covers him with a blanket, he decides not to be a bodyguard anymore and just allows this to happen.
36. Christian's room somehow has a perfect view of Satine's room.
37. (Christian tells Satine, "Silly of me, to think you could fall in love with someone like me.") Well, that's not silly... but it's pretty silly to think she could do it in the first 3 minutes you were in her room.
38. (Christian: "All you need is love, love..." Satine: "Love is just a game...") Love song rap battle.
39. Also, you people JUST MET. And under false pretenses, to boot. So far, what is there to love about either character other than "she's pretty, he's handsome?"
40. (at the height of their song) So we went from Elton John to U2 to Bowie to... Dolly Parton? This medley is going in the wrong direction.
41. (one character looks sad while covered in bits of white tissue) He's sad because he cut himself shaving.
42. (the Duke mentions the name of Manservant Warner) Manservant was hiding in the wings just he could make this entrance.
43. (the Duke tells Zidler his intention to woo Satine over supper) Dude, last night she clearly told you the consummation of this creepy relationship would have to wait until opening night. Does the Duke think you can put an entire stage show together in 24 hours?
44. The f*ck is going on this kitchen? We have fresh dead animals dangling over a table covered in already-cooked food!! This is a food safety nightmare! Shut this f*cker down!
45. (the Duke barges in on Christian and Satine) The Duke is a f*cking idiot.
46. Also, lock the f*cking door, you numbskulls!
47. (the Duke tells Satine he has arranged a supper for them) This guy is way too obsessed with supper.
48. (Zidler announces the second act of the play, in which the lovers are discovered) Ah, the old "play within a play has the same basic plot as the main play" routine... we interrupt this lavish musical to bring you Hamlet, apparently.
49. (as this happens, Christian and Satine happen to be making out in full view of the play cast and crew) Also, have these two even read the play they're writing?!
50. All that space to make out in private, and you pick the one spot with a clear view.
51. (Satine sings, "If I should die...") Well, I'd call this a cheesy sin of foreshadowing, except, the movie already told us in the first three minutes she was gonna die, so I think it's just a sin of... boring.
52. (Zidler tells the Duke of Satine, "When you hold her and you touch her...") Has the Duke even held her or touched her this entire movie, even off screen? I don't think the Duke is this stupid of a character, but he believes this nonsense despite all the evidence to the contrary.
53. (Zidler sings, "She was beat, incomplete...") Oh no... Jim Broadbent is about to sing, "Like a Virgin."
54. Also, man, I thought these lyrics were creepy when Madonna said them.
55. Jeez... these actors must never know what the hell is going on during this production. Christian writes a new scene every time he gets a boner.
56. (Zidler learns Satine has consumption) Movie decides to give the tragic female lead character prostitute consumption instead of the much more logical syphillis so that we'll feel bad she's dying without simultaneously also being grossed out.
57. Jesus, can any of these characters emote musically without being on some kind of ledge or dangerous height?!
58. She has confirmed tuberculosis—consumption—and he's spending every day f*cking her, singing with her, and generally being within six inches of her. From Wikipedia: "When people with pulmonary TB cough, sneeze, speak, sing, or spit, they expel infectious aerosol droplets. A single sneeze can release up to 40,000 droplets. Each one of these droplets may transmit the disease, since the infectious dose of tuberculosis is very small. People with prolonged, frequent, or close contact with people with TB are at a particularly high risk of becoming infected, with an estimated 22% infection rate."
59. Secret lovers stand together at the window naked.
60. (the Duke points out a little frog to Satine) Man, that "Like A Virgin" number really turned the Duke into a frightening pussy. I actually feel bad for the guy.
61. Walter White Band.
62. (Nini asks the Duke about the play's ending, "Why would the courtesan fall for the penniless writer... I mean, sitar player?") Character we've seen speak one line suddenly has the balls to spill the important beans of the whole movie.
63. Also, movie writes a villain so f*cking stupid that they literally have to have another character lay out the deception for him to be able to get it.
64. (the Duke says, "I don't like this ending.") Man, the people who finance entertainment always think they should have final cut.
65. (Duke: "Why shouldn't the courtesan choose the maharajah?" Christian: "Because she doesn't love you!") Brilliant poet is actually not very smart. This is a really dumb Freudian slip, like comically so.
66. (Satine asks the Duke to have supper with her) Does... 'supper' not mean what I think it means? Why is supper all they talk about? Are these people Hobbits?
67. (one line about doing the play: "And for our part, we could do nothing but wait.") And sing a song about prostitution while we wait for the prostitute to prostitute herself.
68. (Nini tells Christian, "You'll get your ending, once the Duke gets his... end-in...") What. A. Bitch.
69. (the Argentinian tells Christian, "Never fall in love with a woman who sells herself.") Unnecessary advice.
70. (the Argentinian sings, "Roooooooooooxanne...") Movie says, "F*ck The Police."
71. (a black man comes up) Extra Ex Machina.
72. (Christian tells the black man, whose name is Chocolat, to take Satine to her dressing room) Wait... this guy's name is Chocolat? Where's the white dude named "Vanilla Cream?"
73. (the Duke divulges his plan to kill Christian) This is the same guy who was pointing out a frog to Satine a minute ago, right?
74. (Zidler explains that the Duke will kill Christian) Okay, but... isn't that already something they were worried about? Weren't they already planning to disappear in the middle of the night together, mostly because they recognize the Duke is an evil bastard? So... why can't the plan still be to disappear in the middle of the night together? It seems to me that 1900 Paris is a pretty easy place to disappear if you wanted.
75. (Satine tells Zidler, "But Christian loves me!") He what? ("He loves me!") Huh? ("He... loves... me...!") Oooohhh.
76. (Zidler to Satine: "You're dying." Satine: "Another trick, Harold?" Zidler: "No, my love. The doctor told us.") But the doctor didn't tell HER—the patient? And none of you assholes did either?! What the f*ck kind of place is this? I want no part of your twisted version of Bohemian Love!
77. (Zidler tells Satine, "Hurt him. Hurt him to save him.") We interrupt this lavish musical to bring you Encino Man.
78. Zidler breaks the fourth wall 5 minutes into the opening act.
79. (the Argentinian, in the play, says, "How about one of them is a duke and the other...", but suddenly falls unconscious down the stairs) Oh yeah, that reminds me... they gave the two biggest roles to people who have medical issues—one has narcolepsy, & the other has tuberculosis...and there are no understudies. That's a bad foundation to start a struggling theater company.
80. Also, the Unconscious Argentinian just happens to fall in the exact spot where Christian can take his clothes without being seen and then get on stage.
81. (Toulouse realizes that Satine is pushing Christian, to save him from being killed) Is this supposed to be a conduit for the audience? Because we already know this sh*t!
82. (Satine dramatically sings, "And forgive everything...", but then stops, gasping for breath) Oh yeah, she has tuberculosis. Too bad the movie reminds us of that every time Satine does anything.
83. Also, a person minutes from death by consumption does not have this much energy and diaphragm control.
84. (the Duke sics his manservant on Christian to kill him while he's on stage) Because you definitely need to kill Christian when he's on stage. You definitely can't wait until after the show to do this. The bouncers at the after-parties are really strict.
85. (just as Warner is about to pull the gun trigger, Babydoll drops a sandbag on his head, sending the gun flying) What led to this woman's transformation from "I'm going to expose Christian and Satine" to "I really give a s*it about those crazy kids in love, & I hope it works out"?
86. (the gun lands amid the audience, but no one notices) None of the theater patrons are alarmed at a gun sliding on the floor.
87. Tragic death of main character is robbed of all impact by all the preceding scenes in the movie that hit you over the head with the fact that she's dying.
88. (the Duke leaves Moulin Rouge) So... he still gets the Moulin Rouge, though, right? It was that "shenanigans" clause he put in the contract. And there were lots of shenanigans.
89. It's like American Beauty... but sad.
90. (Christian is seen typing on his typewriter: "Days turned into weeks. Weeks turned into months.") "Days turn into weeks, weeks turn into months" cliche.
91. (Christian types: "And she was the star of the Moulin Rouge.") "Writer finds creative freedom by writing about his own life events which we see in the movie" cliche.
92. (the following is shown on the screen: "This story is about... truth... beauty...") Is this a message from the people who walked in late?

Total

Movie Sin Tally: 92

Sentence: Sent Back For Rewrites. (I don't like this ending.)