The Avengers

Everything Wrong With The Avengers is an EWW video for the 2012 movie The Avengers. It premiered on December 18, 2012 as the second EWW video.

Transcript

1. This is a tesseract, and that’s pretty much all you’ll ever know for sure about it
2. Secret military research facility on brightly lit exposed mesa
3. Helicopters do not need to follow roadways
4. Coulson wears sunglasses at night (so he can, so he can)
5. Nick Fury’s character development literally begins and ends with “eye patch”
6. Exciting superhero movie starts with plodding exposition
7. Possibly-racist movie kills two Asian extras in a row
8. Tesseract powers allow for mind control by tapping the center of the chest
9. Dangerous energy source space doorway with gamma radiation? Screw it, transport by hand
10. The “bullet-proof-vest fake out”
11. First action piece of major superhero film is a boring car chase
12. Scene does not contain a lap dance
13. Bruce Banner is hiding out where only little girls and S.H.I.E.L.D. can find him
14. Shield answers to: 4 people on vertical plasma screens?
15. Bad guy henchmen running laps
16. Loki’s scepter is also a space phone
17. The Heli-carrier is hella stupid
18. Cloaking device is dumb, but also I don’t know why they’re hiding
19. Cap pays off a bet he never technically accepted
20. “We’re sweeping every wirelessly accessible camera on the planet”
21. Loki makes grand appearance changes that barely change his appearance
22. Attacks Germans but lectures them in English
23. Did he just jump from a plane?
24. You know, the Nazis had pieces of layer they made the Jews wear (Cheesy and pointless Hitler reference)
25. Late night kidnap brotherly argument on a mountain
26. Superhero pissing contest
27. Supervillain prisoner left unattended
28. Superhero pissing contest number 2
29. Cap & Iron Man almost kiss
30. Mighty heli-carrier basically neutered by one freaking arrow
31. Clearly no radio in his ear but he pretends to have one
32. Computer virus delivered by arrow
33. For a super soldier, Captain America is a terrible shot
34. Loki tricks Thor with the old “Lucy/Charlie Brown” football prank
35. So Loki’s plan was to get captured on purpose and have Hawkeye break him out, but no real objective?
36. Long boring fight scene between characters we are already trying not to hate
37. Tesseract mind-control powers erased with a simple blow to the head
38. Fury gives intimidating death stare to a computer screen
39. “Dying-person-can’t-finish-last-profound-statement-before-dying” cliché
40. Bad news negates the need for medical care
41. Nick Fury motivates the team by lying about the location of baseball cards
42. Cap gets AIDS from handling bloody baseball card
43. Basically-indestructible heroes still need little league pep talk to get up for the big challenge
44. Thor has trouble picking up his hammer but it’s never explained
45. Every gadget is this f*cking movie has to glow with a blue light
46. Loki patiently waits for Iron Man to remove the damaged suit, grab a drink, banter a bit, and then put on a new suit instead of just killing him
47. Too bad Loki’s mind control powers only work if the scepter touches the exact center of a person’s chest
48. Generic bad guy soldiers whose abilities and shortcomings are never explained
49. Why are they even trying to stop an army that we never once see kill or injure a human being?
50. Captain America is more of a super-gymnast than a super-hero
51. Black Widow knows exactly how to handle and fire an alien weapon seconds after picking it up
52. And suddenly, there was Bruce Banner on a motorcycle
53. Production Design 101: Don’t imitate anything from Transformers
54. Hulk can suddenly control his powers because the story demands it
55. Thor’s lightning turns out to be really, really effective against the aliens, but he only uses it once
56. The Council would rather definitely kill everyone in New York with a nuclear weapon than maybe have some die in an alien invasion
57. Loki gets caught monologuing
58. Nick Fury fires a missle at an American to stop him from firing a missle at Americans
59. All the enemy soldiers die like b*tches once the mother ship is exploded
60. There is no gravity in space, but Iron Man falls back to Earth anyways
61. Are Banner and Stark dating now?
62. Credits scene to tease the next movie turns out to be homework assignment
63. Shawarma scene missed by any moviegoer who didn’t realize there would be two end credit scenes (so basically everyone)

Movie Sin Tally: 63 (due to glitch in video: 64)

Sentence: HELL

Video: https://youtu.be/gYVZjKgoKdg